These next few weeks you will probably notice a increase in the amount of times I post here because this is the only place I really have to vent how I feel. It's sad to say but i feel like I'm drifting apart from people around me and I don't feel comfortable talking to them anymore. i will be honest I miss my best friend to death and I don't know what I did but she hasn't been talking to me and its effecting me in ways i would've never thought. My overall mood has been different and while my journey isn't suffering my emotional health is and that is just as important. Along with posting more I'm going to continue trying to find some of my old posts from the beginning of my journey, just so that anyone new who may come across this can see how everything is starting out, especially with dealing with the diet change. Tomorrow i will be posting about the importance of a stable support system and I hope you all are progressing in your own personal journeys. Till next time, PEACE AND LOVE!!!!!!
PS. If you see this please text me so i can know whats wrong, i miss you
Friday, October 16, 2015
Vices
Today I wanna talk about that everyone struggles with but for people with weight problems, especially those whose main problem is with food, have a hard time getting over and that's vices. Everyone knows what there vices are, those few unhealthy foods that you try to give up but end up eating them and at the end of it all you ask yourself, "How did I get here???? We all have them, for me my vices are pizza and ice cream, especially chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and its part of the reason sometimes my progress becomes stagnant. I'm not proud of it but if I see sometimes ice cream is on sale, I will but it and it's not like I'm eating a scoop, I will put on Netflix and by the time a movie is over or a few episodes of Blue Bloods (God I love that show) a pinto or two would be gone or sometimes even the entire tub of Turkey Hill. You are probably thinking to yourself, "My God how could he eat all of that, and to be honest I ask myself that question. I used to be one of those people that would deny he had vices, but I realized i had a problem when I woke up one day and cleaned my room. I found a array of ice cream containers and pizza boxes and I knew I had a problem. Sometimes you need those wake up calls in order to see the issue. A lot of this problem is mental, especially after you lost some weight. We think to ourselves, "Oh I lost a little bit of weight, a little bit of (insert vice here won't hurt), not realizing that a little turns into a lot and then your at the point I was at, wondering how you got here. In no way am I saying completely eradicate said food item from your life, but the name of the game is moderation and self control. if you know when it comes to certain foods you have little to know control, slowly cut down the amount of it you are eating. It is unrealistic from you to from eating pizza once a day to eating pizza once a week. Some people may be able to do that, but for others you need to slowly cut down. By slowly cutting down, your still getting your fix, but you are also teaching yourself that you don't need this food as much as you thought, by the end of the year you may even realize that you don't need the food anymore. The most unhealthy thing you can do is trying to immediately cut things off from your life because you will find yourself constantly thinking of the food and sooner or later you will go back to eating it at the pace you ate it before. Discipline is big when it comes to things like these and a lot of us struggle with that. My best advice when it comes to discipline is you have mentally get into a space of knowing what you want for yourself. Like I had, you need one of those experiences that show you what you are doing wrong. A large portion of all of this is mental stability, that's why before I could get the band I had to see a psychiatrist because this journey is as much physical as mental and you may find yourself breaking down. I'm not to scared to admit that I have cried in the midst of this journey. The mental struggle is extremely real and plays a big part with overcoming your vices. Next I think I will write a segment about the mental game because of how pivotal it is to this journey, especially my personal journey and I think its important for anyone who comes across this. A few last words, don't be ashamed of your vices at all, most of who struggle with weight have them and it isn't something embarrassing. Food is a legitimate addiction and promotes the same feelings that other addictions do. We all just need to come to the point that we realize we have a problem and decide for ourselves that we want to change that problem and that's very big. You can't make this change for anyone but yourself because if you do, subconsciously you will end up back where you started and that's for anything in life. Take it all one step at a time, no need to make drastic changes right away, because that is never successful, look at biggest loser contestants, they lose all this weight and drastically change their diets and a couple years they have gained most if not all back. Cut the foods down slowly and steadily it is the most effective way to controlling this problem. Until next time, Peace and Love!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Back To My Journey
Everything has been going pretty great recently, I have been personally weighing myself and I'm liking the numbers I see. it has been two months since the last time I got my band tightened, which i'm upset about but, I can't control that. In order to get a lap band there are many things you need to beforehand and one is have a doctors referral. For some reason the referral my doctor sent initially ran out or something, so i haven't been able to see my surgeon because it will cost some ridiculous amount. Like I said, nothing I can really do about it, but I'm determined to have lost at least ten pounds by my next appointment which is Oct 26th. And i definitely wanna get at least one tightening before the holiday season begins. I definitely need to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet and a little more exercise could also be useful, but all in all I like where I am mentally and the direction in which i'm heading physically. I have continued the search for some of my old post and I actually found one detailing my first tightening which I will be uploading soon. Remember in order to do and achieve great things, you have to be willing to put in the necessary work. Peace and Love!!!!!!!
Monday, October 5, 2015
Off Topic again: Something I need to get off my chest
By now I should probably change what this blog is about because not only have I not been giving day to day updates about how my lap band journey is going, my last few posts have been off topic, but this is something that has been bothering me recently and I wanna use this blog to just vent my feelings on this. As all of you know the whole Black Lives Matter, Police brutality and just racism in general has been a huge topic and I just wanna give my thoughts on all of it.
Whenever I am online I try to stay away from places like YouTube and Facebook because the things I see regarding race usually piss me off, but tonight I was scrolling through both and came across this lady, she was African american and she had a lot of negative things to say about the Black lives Matters movement and black on black crime. First let me get one thing clear: I Fucking hate the term Black on Black crime, crime is crime period. In her rant, she basically criticize black lives matter saying that they neglect victims of black on black crime, She brought up a murder of a little African american girl who was murdered by a fellow African american and asked if her life mattered as well? Now some of you may say to yourself that is a good question, but no its not and im going tell you why. In my opinion the only reason the Black Lives matter movement has the media attention it does is because it is a way to further separate the races. When someone white sees Black lives matter, they are going to feel left out and perceive the movement as black people crying and making themselves victims. So immediately they dismiss the movement and the media knows that. I mean put yourself in a white suburban Americans shoes, one second they will see the Black Lives matters movement and in the next they see 20 people killed over the weekend in Chicago, I can see why they will begin to formulate that black people are violent in nature and that the Police may have not been in the wrong. Getting back to why the question is the wrong thing to ask, there are plenty of programs in inner cities that are out on the front lines trying to decrease the violence in black communities but they don't get any media attention. So yes that girls life did matter, there are people out there trying to stop what caused her death, but people like the woman from the video fail to mention that or are possibly ignorant to. Is there a problem with crime in our community yes, but we obviously have realized that. maybe if these programs got more funding or even just more widespread recognition, funding can be provided so they can do more in the community. Everyone likes to leave certain things out to benefit their agenda and i'm sick of that. I'm here right now admitting that there has been a celebration of gang culture and other negative cultures in the black community, but we have realized that. People like the lady in the video and many media outlets paint us as violent criminals who all push this violent culture and it is so far from the truth. I can note that poverty breeds violence and how the economic inequalities in these areas leads to violent culture but I would be seen as making excuses, So instead I salute programs like GMACC, Cure Violence, Don't Shoot NYC all trying to make a change in our community. I salute the programs all across the country trying to make a change, I see what they neglect to report. I'm going to end my rant right there because I can go on for days. I wanna end with this, before you formulate a opinion on something look at everything that is going on and happening, you don't have to take a side, you can stand in the middle and tell both sides why they are wrong and that's what i'm doing. Anyone that blames white people as the sole reason of African Americans problems are wrong and anyone that blames black people as the sole reason for black peoples problems are wrong as well. Their are many things contributing and we all have a part in this. We all need to come together, see the negative and positives about all our communities and work together to change them, and major breakthrough in change has happened when people united together don't forget that.
Whenever I am online I try to stay away from places like YouTube and Facebook because the things I see regarding race usually piss me off, but tonight I was scrolling through both and came across this lady, she was African american and she had a lot of negative things to say about the Black lives Matters movement and black on black crime. First let me get one thing clear: I Fucking hate the term Black on Black crime, crime is crime period. In her rant, she basically criticize black lives matter saying that they neglect victims of black on black crime, She brought up a murder of a little African american girl who was murdered by a fellow African american and asked if her life mattered as well? Now some of you may say to yourself that is a good question, but no its not and im going tell you why. In my opinion the only reason the Black Lives matter movement has the media attention it does is because it is a way to further separate the races. When someone white sees Black lives matter, they are going to feel left out and perceive the movement as black people crying and making themselves victims. So immediately they dismiss the movement and the media knows that. I mean put yourself in a white suburban Americans shoes, one second they will see the Black Lives matters movement and in the next they see 20 people killed over the weekend in Chicago, I can see why they will begin to formulate that black people are violent in nature and that the Police may have not been in the wrong. Getting back to why the question is the wrong thing to ask, there are plenty of programs in inner cities that are out on the front lines trying to decrease the violence in black communities but they don't get any media attention. So yes that girls life did matter, there are people out there trying to stop what caused her death, but people like the woman from the video fail to mention that or are possibly ignorant to. Is there a problem with crime in our community yes, but we obviously have realized that. maybe if these programs got more funding or even just more widespread recognition, funding can be provided so they can do more in the community. Everyone likes to leave certain things out to benefit their agenda and i'm sick of that. I'm here right now admitting that there has been a celebration of gang culture and other negative cultures in the black community, but we have realized that. People like the lady in the video and many media outlets paint us as violent criminals who all push this violent culture and it is so far from the truth. I can note that poverty breeds violence and how the economic inequalities in these areas leads to violent culture but I would be seen as making excuses, So instead I salute programs like GMACC, Cure Violence, Don't Shoot NYC all trying to make a change in our community. I salute the programs all across the country trying to make a change, I see what they neglect to report. I'm going to end my rant right there because I can go on for days. I wanna end with this, before you formulate a opinion on something look at everything that is going on and happening, you don't have to take a side, you can stand in the middle and tell both sides why they are wrong and that's what i'm doing. Anyone that blames white people as the sole reason of African Americans problems are wrong and anyone that blames black people as the sole reason for black peoples problems are wrong as well. Their are many things contributing and we all have a part in this. We all need to come together, see the negative and positives about all our communities and work together to change them, and major breakthrough in change has happened when people united together don't forget that.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Poetry Corner
I have been writing a poem basically about my journey, its a work in progress, but I figured I would share what I have.
Looking straight in the mirror, what do I see
Disappointment reflecting back at me
Step on the scale, watch the numbers go
Too scared to look at what it will show
How did let myself get to this place
Every opportunity gone to waste
Things get tough, I give up
Things get rough, I give up
A cycle, leading to one thing
DEATH!!!!
Early 20's taking my last breath
The road I was on, that outcome was certain
No other choice but to pull back the curtain
Had to decide what it will be
Making this decision just for me
Under the knife I went, the journey starts
The right choice, I'm hoping in my heart
Months later and struggles continue
But this time progress is on the menu
No matter how hard things get, I made a promise to myself
To right all my wrongs and better my health
So cheers to life and a better me
One day at a time my goal will be reached
Looking straight in the mirror, what do I see
Disappointment reflecting back at me
Step on the scale, watch the numbers go
Too scared to look at what it will show
How did let myself get to this place
Every opportunity gone to waste
Things get tough, I give up
Things get rough, I give up
A cycle, leading to one thing
DEATH!!!!
Early 20's taking my last breath
The road I was on, that outcome was certain
No other choice but to pull back the curtain
Had to decide what it will be
Making this decision just for me
Under the knife I went, the journey starts
The right choice, I'm hoping in my heart
Months later and struggles continue
But this time progress is on the menu
No matter how hard things get, I made a promise to myself
To right all my wrongs and better my health
So cheers to life and a better me
One day at a time my goal will be reached
Friday, September 25, 2015
Update: At a crossroads
I have wanted to get back into writing for this blog, but i haven't really had any inspiration. I mean that probably sounds pretty dumb because all I have to do is detail my journey with the lap band, but for some reason I just lost the excitement I had when i first started this blog in march. When I first deactivated this and i lost all my entries i really felt bad because I was writing a lot of good stuff that could've helped people, but know i don't really care. To be quite honest my journey has come to a standstill, i'm not losing weight and I just have no joy for life right now. Some of you may be wondering if that has to do with the girl from my last post, not at all. In fact i have realized that if someone else makes her happy, let her go do that, I know what kind of guy I am and its her lost. I am unhappy because i have realized that my life is not at the place that i thought it would be and instead of picking myself u and turning things around, i'm dwelling in the negative. its hard not to get into a slump, i have no job, I have lost the urge to workout and i just feel like i'm going nowhere in my life. I'm too embarrassed to go to anybody for help and i just don't know what to do. I need some inspiration, maybe if i start writing it will help, i don't know, but i need to make a change quick because mentally this isn't a good place to be. If anyone is out there and happens to see this, don't be afraid to comment or anything, i would love to interact with you if possible. Until next time, Peace and Love!!!!!
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Off Topic: Can't let go
I'm in a pretty good place with the surgery so far, my progress has been slow but I'm not gaining weight so that is a plus. However for this entry, their is something I need to get off my chest, its a problem I have been dealing with for some time.
In October i started talking to a very amazing girl, We went to high school together and I always thought she was very beautiful, but she was quiet and we never really had a conversation. One of her friends (at least I hope they are still friends) is my best friend, so I decided I would try and get o know the people close to my best friend. It started out simple, I just commented on a photo she posted and it started a discussion that would carry on into her inbox. That very first conversation was probably my favorite one with her because it seemed so natural, it was like I was talking to someone I had known for years. A few months went by, we talked everyday as much as possible and I grew extremely fond of her. The first time i saw her in person after first talking was at one of my friends basketball game. I won't lie I was nervous as hell and I pretty much didn't even end up saying anything to her. Now the second time I saw her was at another basketball game and I actually sat next to her, I was nervous again but we talked a little, but i made a mistake. Instead of being a gentlemen and walking her home, I went with my friends something that I regret even though it may not seem that big. There were a couple other times where i saw her and even some times I tried to see her but it just didn't work out, Altogether we had a pretty good connection and I was feeling like she liked me, and i was just trying to take things slow because honestly I wasn't sure i was prepared for a relationship.
Now starting in June i started to notice that she was getting a little distant. I would try to make plans and she always was busy and it honestly hurt because all i wanted to do was see her, but I didn't stress it to much. So at the end of June, I'm heading to Maryland getting ready to go on a cruise and I get a text from her saying, :We should just be friends". In that moment so many things ran through my mind, I started doubting myself, i was upset that I has messed up. By this time i had pretty much fallen for her and I begged for a chance, just anything that would allow for me to show her if we just had some time alone together that we could work stuff out. Two days after getting that text, I get another text from a friend telling me that she has a boyfriend, As soon as i saw that, i went out to the balcony of my room and i almost cried. In my life I had suffered a lot of heartbreak, I started to fell like a stepping stone, basically girls would talk to me, I would treat them very good and they would tell me they were feeling me and all that, but would always end up with another guy. I honestly began to just think there was something wrong with me, Part of me hated her because she was the one person i never felt would hurt me like that, and i don't think it was on purpose, I just was confused I thought that i was doing enough to be the guy she was interested in.
So since June I have pretty much been talking to her sparingly trying to find out what went wrong and everything and trying to get another chance because my feelings are so strong for her. I don't wanna be the type of guy that tries to break up two people, but I am in capable of being her friend and i know if i saw goodbye to her, its over she is gone from my life for good. I so badly want her to be in my life that I am willing to risk her getting annoyed with me and never talking to me again, just to get the chance to start over with her, i want her to be happy i honestly do but the days i don't talk to her i really hurt. I will be honest with myself, I'm a extremely stubborn person and that is part of the reason why i cant let go but there's also this feeling that she gives me that I don't wanna let go. When she is in my life, I'm so much more of a happy person because i have this amazing energy in my life, just little silly things she would do and say to me made me smile and i lived for those moments. Would my life be OK without her, of course no girl holds the key to mu happiness, but the happiness in my life is elevated to higher levels with her. You ever had that one person that at random moments you think of them and you just randomly smile, or like you read something that send you and laugh or smile in public and people give you weird looks, she does that to me. She was there for me when i was at my most vulnerable (the surgery) and she supported me and I'm forever grateful for that, She was one of the first people outside my family that i told. For a long time I have been closeted insecure about my weight, but with her I never ever felt ashamed of the size I was, she gave me a confidence that i wasn't able to gain by myself. She really means the world to me and even though we never dated, i care about her more than I have any girlfriend that i ever had. i was in a very bad place before talking to her. I had done pretty bad in school so I couldn't go back and i hadn't fully committed to getting the surgery yet and I was very down and life and she gave me hope, she was able to lift me up.
I'm in a very difficult place now because i have still been texting her trying to get another chance but she has a boyfriend now. I know i am suppose to move on with my life, but i don't wanna give up on me and her. I know i sound very pathetic and part of me is wondering what in the world am i doing, but my heart won't let me let go of her. I believe that deep down in her heart she still wants me in her life and I believe that if i can stick around eventually i can have a shot at being with her and that's all i want. Since in the past i was never given chances, i just want the chance to have a real relationship and show her what a relationship with me could be like. if the relationship didn't work out, i gladly would be able to move on but since I haven't gotten that chance it has been hard for me to let go. We have never officially even been on a date so all i want is one date. it is a conflict of interest because she has someone and is happy and i don't wanna come between that but I want her in my life. it probably would be smart if I just stayed her friend and held my feeling inside but i honestly think that would eat me away inside, especially if she falls in love with this guy she is with.
If i could say one thing to her, it would be i care about you extremely deeply and i want you to be in my life. i can be your friend but I need you to know that i still have feelings for you and i don't plan on them going away. it would be amazing if you kept me in your life, i;m not asking for you to break up with your boyfriend i just want to be able to talk to you everyday again and i will be as respectful as possible but i still have those feelings. I guess what I'm saying is i want you to be OK with the fact that i like you and that i am in your in life. In no way would I do anything malicious to interfere with your relationship but I want to still be able to talk to you. Everything else i would have to believe would work itself out, if me and you are meant to be then it will happen, if not then eventually i will get over you because i will see on my own there is no chance. I just want what something close to what we had back, and i;m gonna have to believe that even with me not flirting with you or anything, me just being a friend that you will fall for me too. I'm OK with you not accepting this and wanting to have nothing to do with me because I have feelings for you but I'm not gonna push my feelings aside to be your friend because I just cant. So basically I'm saying accept me how i am, accept the fact that I have feelings for you even though we are friends of walk outta my life for good. Because I cant lie to myself, if you care like how i believe you care, you're gonna have to take me as i am, because I know if i agree to just be friends, I'm pretty much losing you and I don't wanna lose the person i fell for , I want that person in my life. So if you think you can have a bf and still be close with me, you know where to find me.
In October i started talking to a very amazing girl, We went to high school together and I always thought she was very beautiful, but she was quiet and we never really had a conversation. One of her friends (at least I hope they are still friends) is my best friend, so I decided I would try and get o know the people close to my best friend. It started out simple, I just commented on a photo she posted and it started a discussion that would carry on into her inbox. That very first conversation was probably my favorite one with her because it seemed so natural, it was like I was talking to someone I had known for years. A few months went by, we talked everyday as much as possible and I grew extremely fond of her. The first time i saw her in person after first talking was at one of my friends basketball game. I won't lie I was nervous as hell and I pretty much didn't even end up saying anything to her. Now the second time I saw her was at another basketball game and I actually sat next to her, I was nervous again but we talked a little, but i made a mistake. Instead of being a gentlemen and walking her home, I went with my friends something that I regret even though it may not seem that big. There were a couple other times where i saw her and even some times I tried to see her but it just didn't work out, Altogether we had a pretty good connection and I was feeling like she liked me, and i was just trying to take things slow because honestly I wasn't sure i was prepared for a relationship.
Now starting in June i started to notice that she was getting a little distant. I would try to make plans and she always was busy and it honestly hurt because all i wanted to do was see her, but I didn't stress it to much. So at the end of June, I'm heading to Maryland getting ready to go on a cruise and I get a text from her saying, :We should just be friends". In that moment so many things ran through my mind, I started doubting myself, i was upset that I has messed up. By this time i had pretty much fallen for her and I begged for a chance, just anything that would allow for me to show her if we just had some time alone together that we could work stuff out. Two days after getting that text, I get another text from a friend telling me that she has a boyfriend, As soon as i saw that, i went out to the balcony of my room and i almost cried. In my life I had suffered a lot of heartbreak, I started to fell like a stepping stone, basically girls would talk to me, I would treat them very good and they would tell me they were feeling me and all that, but would always end up with another guy. I honestly began to just think there was something wrong with me, Part of me hated her because she was the one person i never felt would hurt me like that, and i don't think it was on purpose, I just was confused I thought that i was doing enough to be the guy she was interested in.
So since June I have pretty much been talking to her sparingly trying to find out what went wrong and everything and trying to get another chance because my feelings are so strong for her. I don't wanna be the type of guy that tries to break up two people, but I am in capable of being her friend and i know if i saw goodbye to her, its over she is gone from my life for good. I so badly want her to be in my life that I am willing to risk her getting annoyed with me and never talking to me again, just to get the chance to start over with her, i want her to be happy i honestly do but the days i don't talk to her i really hurt. I will be honest with myself, I'm a extremely stubborn person and that is part of the reason why i cant let go but there's also this feeling that she gives me that I don't wanna let go. When she is in my life, I'm so much more of a happy person because i have this amazing energy in my life, just little silly things she would do and say to me made me smile and i lived for those moments. Would my life be OK without her, of course no girl holds the key to mu happiness, but the happiness in my life is elevated to higher levels with her. You ever had that one person that at random moments you think of them and you just randomly smile, or like you read something that send you and laugh or smile in public and people give you weird looks, she does that to me. She was there for me when i was at my most vulnerable (the surgery) and she supported me and I'm forever grateful for that, She was one of the first people outside my family that i told. For a long time I have been closeted insecure about my weight, but with her I never ever felt ashamed of the size I was, she gave me a confidence that i wasn't able to gain by myself. She really means the world to me and even though we never dated, i care about her more than I have any girlfriend that i ever had. i was in a very bad place before talking to her. I had done pretty bad in school so I couldn't go back and i hadn't fully committed to getting the surgery yet and I was very down and life and she gave me hope, she was able to lift me up.
I'm in a very difficult place now because i have still been texting her trying to get another chance but she has a boyfriend now. I know i am suppose to move on with my life, but i don't wanna give up on me and her. I know i sound very pathetic and part of me is wondering what in the world am i doing, but my heart won't let me let go of her. I believe that deep down in her heart she still wants me in her life and I believe that if i can stick around eventually i can have a shot at being with her and that's all i want. Since in the past i was never given chances, i just want the chance to have a real relationship and show her what a relationship with me could be like. if the relationship didn't work out, i gladly would be able to move on but since I haven't gotten that chance it has been hard for me to let go. We have never officially even been on a date so all i want is one date. it is a conflict of interest because she has someone and is happy and i don't wanna come between that but I want her in my life. it probably would be smart if I just stayed her friend and held my feeling inside but i honestly think that would eat me away inside, especially if she falls in love with this guy she is with.
If i could say one thing to her, it would be i care about you extremely deeply and i want you to be in my life. i can be your friend but I need you to know that i still have feelings for you and i don't plan on them going away. it would be amazing if you kept me in your life, i;m not asking for you to break up with your boyfriend i just want to be able to talk to you everyday again and i will be as respectful as possible but i still have those feelings. I guess what I'm saying is i want you to be OK with the fact that i like you and that i am in your in life. In no way would I do anything malicious to interfere with your relationship but I want to still be able to talk to you. Everything else i would have to believe would work itself out, if me and you are meant to be then it will happen, if not then eventually i will get over you because i will see on my own there is no chance. I just want what something close to what we had back, and i;m gonna have to believe that even with me not flirting with you or anything, me just being a friend that you will fall for me too. I'm OK with you not accepting this and wanting to have nothing to do with me because I have feelings for you but I'm not gonna push my feelings aside to be your friend because I just cant. So basically I'm saying accept me how i am, accept the fact that I have feelings for you even though we are friends of walk outta my life for good. Because I cant lie to myself, if you care like how i believe you care, you're gonna have to take me as i am, because I know if i agree to just be friends, I'm pretty much losing you and I don't wanna lose the person i fell for , I want that person in my life. So if you think you can have a bf and still be close with me, you know where to find me.
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