Off Topic: Can't let go

I'm in a pretty good place with the surgery so far, my progress has been slow but I'm not gaining weight so that is a plus. However for this entry, their is something I need to get off my chest, its a problem I have been dealing with for some time.

In October i started talking to a very amazing girl, We went to high school together and I always thought she was very beautiful, but she was quiet and we never really had a conversation. One of her friends (at least I hope they are still friends) is my best friend, so I decided I would try and get o know the people close to my best friend. It started out simple, I just commented on a photo she posted and it started a discussion that would carry on into her inbox. That very first conversation was probably my favorite one with her because it seemed so natural, it was like I was talking to someone I had known for years. A few months went by, we talked everyday as much as possible and I grew extremely fond of her. The first time i saw her in person after first talking was at one of my friends basketball game. I won't lie I was nervous as hell and I pretty much didn't even end up saying anything to her. Now the second time I saw her was at another basketball game and I actually sat next to her, I was nervous again but we talked a little, but i made a mistake. Instead of being a gentlemen and walking her home, I went with my friends something that I regret even though it may not seem that big. There were a couple other times where i saw her and even some times I tried to see her but it just didn't work out, Altogether we had a pretty good connection and I was feeling like she liked me, and i was just trying to take things slow because honestly I wasn't sure i was prepared for a relationship.

Now starting in June i started to notice that she was getting a little distant. I would try to make plans and she always was busy and it honestly hurt because all i wanted to do was see her, but I didn't stress it to much. So at the end of June, I'm heading to Maryland getting ready to go on a cruise and I get a text from her saying, :We should just be friends". In that moment so many things ran through my mind, I started doubting myself, i was upset that I has messed up. By this time i had pretty much fallen for her and I begged for a chance, just anything that would allow for me to show her if we just had some time alone together that we could work stuff out. Two days after getting that text, I get another text from a friend telling me that she has a boyfriend, As soon as i saw that, i went out to the balcony of my room and i almost cried. In my life I had suffered a lot of heartbreak, I started to fell like a stepping stone, basically girls would talk to me, I would treat them very good and they would tell me they were feeling me and all that, but would always end up with another guy. I honestly began to just think there was something wrong with me, Part of me hated her because she was the one person i never felt would hurt me like that, and i don't think it was on purpose, I just was confused I thought that i was doing enough to be the guy she was interested in.

So since June I have pretty much been talking to her sparingly trying to find out what went wrong and everything and trying to get another chance because my feelings are so strong for her. I don't wanna be the type of guy that tries to break up two people, but I am in capable of being her friend and i know if i saw goodbye to her, its over she is gone from my life for good. I so badly want her to be in my life that I am willing to risk her getting annoyed with me and never talking to me again, just to get the chance to start over with her, i want her to be happy i honestly do but the days i don't talk to her i really hurt. I will be honest with myself, I'm a extremely stubborn person and that is part of the reason why i cant let go but there's also this feeling that she gives me that I don't wanna let go. When she is in my life, I'm so much more of a happy person because i have this amazing energy in my life, just little silly things she would do and say to me made me smile and i lived for those moments. Would my life be OK without her, of course no girl holds the key to mu happiness, but the happiness in my life is elevated to higher levels with her. You ever had that one person that at random moments you think of them and you just randomly smile, or like you read something that send you and laugh or smile in public and people give you weird looks, she does that to me. She was there for me when i was at my most vulnerable (the surgery) and she supported me and I'm forever grateful for that, She was one of the first people outside my family that i told. For a long time I have been closeted insecure about my weight, but with her I never ever felt ashamed of the size I was, she gave me a confidence that i wasn't able to gain by myself. She really means the world to me and even though we never dated, i care about her more than I have any girlfriend that i ever had. i was in a very bad place before talking to her. I had done pretty bad in school so I couldn't go back and i hadn't fully committed to getting the surgery yet and I was very down and life and she gave me hope, she was able to lift me up.

I'm in a very difficult place now because i have still been texting her trying to get another chance but she has a boyfriend now. I know i am suppose to move on with my life, but i don't wanna give up on me and her. I know i sound very pathetic and part of me is wondering what in the world am i doing, but my heart won't let me let go of her. I believe that deep down in her heart she still wants me in her life and I believe that if i can stick around eventually i can have a shot at being with her and that's all i want. Since in the past i was never given chances, i just want the chance to have a real relationship and show her what a relationship with me could be like. if the relationship didn't work out, i gladly would be able to move on but since I haven't gotten that chance it has been hard for me to let go. We have never officially even been on a date so all i want is one date. it is a conflict of interest because she has someone and is happy and i don't wanna come between that but I want her in my life. it probably would be smart if I just stayed her friend and held my feeling inside but i honestly think that would eat me away inside, especially if she falls in love with this guy she is with.

If i could say one thing to her, it would be i care about you extremely deeply and i want you to be in my life. i can be your friend but I need you to know that i still have feelings for you and i don't plan on them going away. it would be amazing if you kept me in your life, i;m not asking for you to break up with your boyfriend i just want to be able to talk to you everyday again and i will be as respectful as possible but i still have those feelings. I guess what I'm saying is i want you to be OK with the fact that i like you and that i am in your in life. In no way would I do anything malicious to interfere with your relationship but I want to still be able to talk to you. Everything else i would have to believe would work itself out, if me and you are meant to be then it will happen, if not then eventually i will get over you because i will see on my own there is no chance. I just want what something close to what we had back, and i;m gonna have to believe that even with me not flirting with you or anything, me just being a friend that you will fall for me too. I'm OK with you not accepting this and wanting to have nothing to do with me because I have feelings for you but I'm not gonna push my feelings aside to be your friend because I just cant. So basically I'm saying accept me how i am, accept the fact that I have feelings for you even though we are friends of walk outta my life for good. Because I cant lie to myself, if you care like how i believe you care, you're gonna have to take me as i am, because I know if i agree to just be friends, I'm pretty much losing you and I don't wanna lose the person i fell for , I want that person in my life. So if you think you can have a bf and still be close with me, you know where to find me.

The Number 420

Today I feel like letting out something i have kept to myself for a long time. For years i have been a overweight kid, in a family that in a way was hard on me because of it. It wasn't until i decided to get the band that I really made a decision on losing weight myself. 

Prior to this journey, I had been in a weight loss program my freshman to junior years of school, and it started out pretty good but then I started going for the wrong reasons and eventually was kicked out. I stop caring about my size and in 2013 when I went away to college i had a wake up call. I bought a scale from Wal-Mart that had a maximum weight of 400. I personally figured I shouldn't be anymore, i step on the scale and the scale says error, The embarrassment and shame I felt at that moment is the biggest I felt in my life. I would later find out that I weighed 420. 

For years i had said to myself if i ever weighed over 400, i would kill myself, not literally, i just never thought I would let myself get that big. if you saw me in the street you wouldn't believe that was my weight, but yes i'm a big boy. That number 420 is very significant for me, i know people think weed when they see that number, but I see years of regret and laziness. I see a person i never wanted to become. I see the old me, a me that has died and will never be resurrected. 420 will be a number that forever stays with me as a reminder of where I came from, its the most I have ever weighed and I plan on never going back near that number. 

420 is gonna be the reason why in a year from now you see a new me. I have pictures of me at that size and when I get to a good weight, I will show them, the before and after. If anyone sees this, I appreciate your support. May you all lead healthy and happy lives. 

I gave up, don't do the same

When I first got the lap band, i would keep a daily journal on here of how my life was going just so if anyone questioning whether or not they should have the procedure done, they would see my journey. I went into a time of depression and consequently deleted all of my posts and figured I would give up on this blog. Honestly I'm not sure if I will start it up again, but im going to leave this message here for anyone who may come across this.

DON'T FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS!!!!! Just because things got hard, I gave up and got frustrated with myself, something that I tend to do very often. Rarely had I ever fought through a difficult time. Instead of thinking of the positives like the fact that i am down 30 pounds since the start of my journey, I focused on negative things like my slow progress. I needed to step back and realize that everything won't happen how I envision it but something positive can still be taken from the situation. I labeled my username  NewBeginning420 because the band was a new start for me and 420 was my starting weight. I had forgotten the very reason I did this, this is a new start for me and starting today I am remembering that. No more tantrums when I don't like how I am progressing, and no more getting down on myself. From this day froward I will go through with my goal, I will reach a optimal weight and I will be happy with how I look and feel.